onceandfutureprat | spam for merlin

The name registered before the voice and he stuck his head out of the office with his 'polite approachable healer' face on - until he saw Arthur. And then it immediately vanished, to be replaced with something a bit more tense and uncertain.

"Arthur. Are you unwell?"

Well gee, Merlin that was a warm welcome.

"I'm fine. I was hoping you had a moment to talk."

It really was. You're lucky he didn't lead with sire.

"I'm a bit busy." He wasn't. "Maybe come back after my shift?" And then he'd be hiding elsewhere.

That would have been a blow straight to the feels.

"It won't take that long. Surely they can spare you for a moment." He might be oblivious, Merlin but it didn't really seem that busy in the Infirmary right now.

He frowned, then emerged from the office properly and closed the door behind him. It wasn't as if there was anyone else around.

"Alright. What is it?"

Apologies were just, not Arthur's strongest point. The only stuff that he was worse at were simple things like cooking and cleaning up after himself but that... was because he had servants to do that for him. And having servants that deferred to him because he was their prince and now their king and therefore right, didn't really do wonders for his humility either.

He got Guinevere flowers when he did something stupid that concerned her. That probably wouldn't work with Merlin. It'd be really weird with Merlin actually.

"The other day..." He stopped and shook his head a little. He could make excuses, that the flood had hit him deep when it came to Morgana, and speaking of her, he'd woken up with her in his bed. That Arya apparently grew up to look like Morgana. That he was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Merlin was behind so many of his achievements, and the fact that Merlin had poisoned his sister come to think of it. That with Samhain approaching, thoughts of his father plagued him even more. But he didn't.

"That was unfair of me."

Merlin folded his arms and wished it didn't look so tense or defensive but that was how he was feeling.

"I know."

Dig deeper, Arthur.

"I know you don't have plans for the throne." Because if you did, you'd already have it and/or would've kept on lying to me. That part was pretty obvious and so went unsaid.

If he'd known that reasoning he wouldn't have objected, because it was painfully true. When he'd gotten to thinking about it, it was frightening how easy it would be (how easy it would still be) for him to rule Camelot, even if Arthur still wore the crown.

But that wasn't his destiny. And if it was he wouldn't want it.

"Good."

"You don't want anything?" Sorry Merlin but after six years of your complaining, Arthur was having a hard time believing that you wanted to keep on doing his laundry and cleaning up his room and following him around on hunts.

Yes. An actual apology, not just the acknowledgement that you were being a dick.

He shrugged.

"I've never done what I've done because I wanted to be rewarded."

Arthur was quiet for a moment. "You're a better friend to me than I've been to you, Merlin."

He honestly looked arrested by that. After a few seconds, he forced himself to make a noise resembling a laugh that sounded more choked and painful than anything.

"After I've been lying to you for six years? You weren't that bad, Arthur."

He hated himself for saying it, couldn't bear that he was skittering back when Arthur was baring his soul, but he didn't know what else to say. What else to do.

Join the club, Merlin.

Arthur gives him a sidelong look for that, because really, lying to him didn't give him an excuse to turn around and be a prat. He wanted it to, but it really didn't.

"I'm surprised Merlin, usually you jump at the chance to insult me." It was a flat attempt at teasing because things were really just wrong right now.

"Not today."

He fidgeted, weaving his fingers together, and was quiet for such a long time that it started to seem like he'd need prompting before he spoke again.

"Arthur, all I want is for you to be able to trust me."

Arthur had been about to say something else, because it had been a while and this was not one of their easy silences that came about when he was working and Merlin was cleaning.

"I'm trying, Merlin."

For a moment he looked like he'd been slapped. The idea that Arthur was having to try to trust him was unbearable.

"I don't know what I can do to make it easier."

At least he was trying. He could have just written Merlin off and never even tried to build that trust again.

Arthur wasn't going to lie. The trust that had been there before he came here, before he knew the truth about Merlin's magic, it wasn't all there. It wasn't back yet. It was better than it had been in the beginning when he looked at Merlin and all he saw was a stranger.

"... perhaps, when you have the time, you can tell me the rest." Then he was pretty sure he could put it in the past, and move on.

Edited (i'm done now :c) 2012-10-31 03:00 (UTC)

He just looked sort of wretched for a moment.

"I'm...not really busy now."

This seemed like the right sort of venue for getting painful necessities over and done with.

Arthur kind of figured that one out, but he didn't much feel like bullying Merlin around or being rude to him right now. He nodded slightly and moved to take a seat, because this definitely required sitting.

"Alright, I'm listening."

Merlin didn't sit, just leaning against the worksurface for the time being, because he felt like he was working up a lot of nervous energy and there might be a certain amount of pacing needed to resolve it.

"...I don't know where to start."

Well, he was just talking about this with Charles. So this was as good of place as any.

"What is the real story behind my sword?"

He drew an unsteady breath.

"It was created by Gwen's father and forged in the breath of the Great Dragon. It is a weapon possessed of immense power, and it was made that way so that you could wield it in defence of the kingdom."

God, he'd just been wondering what really had happened in that clearing. He hadn't been expecting to hear that. He had a sword forged in the breath of a dragon. A sword of magic, basically, to defend Camelot with. Right.

Arthur pulled the sword from his belt and turned it over in his hand, staring at it for a moment instead of looking at Merlin. "And how did it get in that stone?"

"I put it there. I was told that if Uther knew of the sword he would misuse it - that it was meant only for you. I had to put it beyond any man's grasp until the time came that you needed it."

Arthur's frown deepened when Merlin mentioned his father. Misuse it how exactly. His father had only ever worked to keep the kingdom safe, regardless of the sword he wielded. It was a really nice sword, he couldn't deny that, though he wasn't sure if that was due to Thomas' craft or the dragon's fire and that made him uncomfortable.

"I don't understand how one sword would make a difference."

"It made a difference for you," Merlin said. "I know I lied to you about the history of the sword, but the heart of that story was true. It was only for you to wield, because it was and is your destiny to be the true and rightful King."

Arthur didn't like destiny, as a concept. He didn't like the idea that someone else had decided who he was going to be and what he was going to do.

"It's my duty as King to protect my people," he countered, finally turning his gaze back to Merlin. And there was the problem.

"Not alone." He met Arthur's gaze levelly. "And -- I won't apologise for having made it my duty to protet you."

Arthur didn't know how to respond to that at first. His knights could've said the same thing to him, and he would've been able to swallow that easier. That was what they were sworn to do. They protected him like he would protect them. There was a code and it made sense.

But Merlin was no knight, not in the least because of his sheer inability to wield a sword. He had just been his bumbling, idiotic, but strangely loveable manservant who proved pretty useful at times and extremely irritating at others. And he'd been lying to him for years.

"I want your word, Merlin, that you aren't going to do that behind my back anymore."

He didn't hesitate. "You have it, Arthur. I swear."

"Good." Arthur didn't think Merlin was stupid enough to swear something he didn't intend on backing up. He wasn't like Morgana or Agravaine. He hadn't smirked and taunted him once over his betrayal. And he had to know that Arthur would never forgive him the transgression a second time.

"What else should I know about?"

Merlin made a slightly helpless gesture.

"I don't know. I could just - start with the week we met and keep talking."

Arthur gestures back at him, like go ahead. "I have the time."

So he stood there and started talking. About everything. As much as he could remember, anyway - everything wasn't a realistic proposition when it felt like he'd been using magic in Arthur's defence every other day for six years. It probably wasn't everything, and the further back he went the less likely it was to be in the right order, but it was everything important.

(Except Freya. He couldn't stand there and tell Arthur he'd mortally wounded his first love. If his magic could have made any difference she'd still be alive, anyway.)

It took a very, very long time to get to Morgana and Helios' conquest of Camelot, and the very last thing he could say was that he'd been able to save Gwen's life but not to prevent Morgana's escape.

It wasn't exactly... pleasant to hear all of that. It was one thing to know that Merlin was behind perhaps everything he'd done in recent years, it was another to know the details of it. And yeah, Merlin had been the real hero in a lot of places and it sounded like if Merlin hadn't intervened, then Camelot would have been destroyed. His father would have died years ago. Who even knew where Morgana would be. Guinevere would've been lost to him and she was more precious than the kingdom when it came down to it.

Arthur had actually lost track of how many times he owed Merlin his own life while he had been talking.

He'd knighted men for a fraction of the things Merlin had done. But as far as he knew (and still believed) those same men didn't hide anything near what Merlin had. Arthur sighed quietly, staring at the sword in his lap. He hadn't thought to put it away the entire time Merlin had been talking.

Cast me away. There was no place in Camelot for lies of that size. His father had tried that, Morgana and Agravaine had as well and it made Arthur's skin crawl to think about building his kingdom on anything but truth and honor. Take me up. Though if anyone else had ever been so loyally dedicated to Arthur and his kingdom, the king was hard pressed to name them.

"... thank you, Merlin." Whether or not Arthur was thanking him for telling him or everything that he'd done, well. Arthur himself probably wouldn't be able to say.

Merlin picked at the hems of his sleeves, focusing on the movement of his fingertips, and didn't make eye contact because then he'd have to talk and he didn't know what more he could say. He felt lighter, and in a while he'd consider it a weight off his shoulders, but in the moment he just felt hollow and bled dry.

He glanced up and across to where Artur was sitting.

"You're welcome, Arthur." And whether or not it was for telling him everything that he'd done, or for having done it, well...it didn't matter. It was just as true either way.

Arthur nodded once before he stood up, sliding the sword back into its place on his belt. Well, that had been serious, and it was a talk that they probably needed to have months ago. And he felt like he need a few hours ~~or weeks~~ to really process all of it.

"You're still the most insolent servant I've ever met," he said after a moment. Like he had a quota when it came to seriousness and had to tease Merlin to relieve some of that tension.

He smiled, still nervy but hopeful.

"You're still a bit of a prat, my lord."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Only a bit? I must be getting soft with you."

"Oh, positively squishy. It's a nice change of pace."

"At least you haven't started asking for hugs again."

"Maybe next week."

"I'll be sure to avoid you completely."

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